Looking Back.

I recently found a journal from when I was 18. I had told my parents about my molestation and was advised by my counselor to start a journal. Here is an excerpt.


Journal Entry: Tuesday, April 13, 1999. 8:59pm. 18 years old.

When I was abused, my boundaries, my right to say no, my sense of control in the world, was violated. I was powerless. The abuse humiliated me, gave me the message that I was of little value.

That whole summer I remember feeling bad, dirty and ashamed. I took a lot of baths during the day because I felt so slutty. I remember just standing in the shower – water super hot – thumping on my back – and just crying. I could cry and no one could see me and I felt by showering often, it would wash away all the pain, dirtiness, anger, confusion and betrayal. On the other hand, I hated showering because I hated to see myself naked. My body looked deformed. I always wanted to know what I did to deserve this. Was I really a bad kid? I wanted so bad to take all the authority, control, power away from him because he abused it. I felt totally powerless. Do I feel different from other people? All the time. All the time. All the time.

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